Top 3 Ways to Stop “What If” Thoughts

Author: Dr. Jennifer Fee

Let’s face it, “What if……” thoughts are nasty.  They can be scary, persistent, and at times, seemingly insurmountable.  Some of the “What if…?” thoughts can be silly like “What if my head starts getting smaller?” But some are all too commonplace and real like “What if no one likes me?” These thoughts zap up all of our energy, keep us awake at night, and lead to us avoiding people or situations where the “What if…?” might come true.  So what can you do if “What if…?” thoughts are haunting you?  Here’s 3 ways to stop them:

Consider that “What if…?” thoughts are generally an overestimation of the danger present and an underestimation of your ability to cope even if they come true.

We tend to think that the consequence of our fears coming true is worse than it is, and we also think that our ability to handle difficult/bad things is not as good as it is.

“Sally” constantly worried, “What if my car breaks down on the freeway?”  She believed that if her car broke down, she would not be able to cope.  A few months after telling me her fear, Sally got a flat tire while driving on the freeway. “It wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined,” she reported, “I felt it go flat and just pulled over to the shoulder. I called AAA with my cell phone and just waited for them.  They came, put on the spare, and I was on my way.  It was inconvenient, but I handled it just fine.”

Our ability to cope is generally much better than we imagine–even for the really tough, hard things that happen in life.

Talk completely through the danger, be specific and consider the worst scenario.

The most effective way to kill the “What ifs…?” is to actually have some of them happen and see that you handle the situation just fine.  But—wouldn’t if be better to handle some of those “What ifs…?” without having to have bad stuff happen?  Yes!  One way to stop the “What if…?” thoughts is to directly face them and respond to them.  This often requires you to think through more slowly and deliberately than if your the scenario is really happening.  Here’s an example:

“Joe” wanted to go on more dates, but he had a lot of social anxiety.  He worried, “what if Susie rejects me?”  That’s a valid fear, it might happen!  But, this “what if” thought was helping Joe to avoid asking people out on dates.  Here’s an abbreviated version of one of our conversations:

Me: “OK,  let’s pretend Susie does turn you down.  What happens next?”

Joe: “I don’t know–I guess I would be embarrassed.”

Me:  “OK, what would it be like to be embarrassed?  What would happen?”

Joe:  “I don’t know–it just wouldn’t be good.”  (Notice that Joe is vague here.  This is not helpful–it will keep him stuck in the “what if…  will be just by horrible” mode)

Me:  “I want you to think specifically what it would look like to be embarrassed.  Does Susie point her finger at you, laugh, and run away from you?”

Joe:  “No (laughing).  She’s very sweet, and gentle.  If she turns me down, it will probably be in nice, polite way.  I would just feel bad, embarrassed.”

Me:  “And that’s the worst that would happen, you’d have an uncomfortable feeling? Would she treat you differently later?”

Joe:  “Yeah.  That would be it.  I’m sure she’d continue to be nice to me.”

That’s an oversimplified version of our actual conversation–it can actually take much longer to specifically flush out the bottom line.  Joe  feared embarrassment, but he was able to conclude that the consequence of him asking Susie out, while it would be an uncomfortable feeling, would not kill him.  He decided that the possibility of having a date with the person he is interested in was worth the risk of having an uncomfortable feeling.

Keep a worry log and see the actual outcome of your worries.

A worry log is simply a record of your worries, your prediction of what will happen, and then the actual outcome.  I recently worked with a woman who had a lot of worries about what it would be like to have a newborn baby.  A few months after the baby was born she remarked, “I don’t even remember what I was worried about,”  but I did–and repeated a list of her worries back to her.  She laughed.  “Having a baby for the first time is not easy, but none of those things I was worried about came true!”

I challenge you to keep a worry log for a little while.  It’s not that difficult and painful things don’t happen in our lives, they do!  However, what we worry about often does not happen.  And, what actually happens in life is not necessarily what we worry about.

“What if…?” thoughts getting you down? We can help! Book your free consultation today.